A good friend of mine, Steph Clarke is writing a book that celebrates friendship and has been asking for people's stories about said topic. Anything from rituals you have with your friends, how you keep in touch, ageing together or weathering life's challenges. She has set up a speakpipe page if you’d like to contribute but since I’m a writer now I thought I’d share my thoughts here, so please consider this my official submission Steph!
I am rich beyond measure when it comes to friendships. It is one of the few things in my life that has very rarely given me grief and only requires a simple and straightforward practice to maintain and flourish. The trick, I believe, is to treat people the way you’d like to be treated. It’s as simple as that.
I like when people listen to my stories. I love it when people say they thought of me. I like having meaningful conversations. I like trying to find the positive in shitty situations (this could be my specialty). I love learning about other people's passions. And most of all, I like feeling like the other person wants to be there just as much as me.
I approach all of my friendships with the idea that if I genuinely do all of the above for the other person, and they do the same for me, then there is no reason why we won’t be great friends for the rest of our lives! Age, sex, occupation or political/world views don’t have anything to do with it.
In many ways, friendship is like a game of tennis. It’s the mutual and continued volleying that a strong friendship grows from. I think most of us would’ve had at least a friendship or two that felt one sided. Where one side was constantly hogging the ball or smashing bung shots at you constantly so you're run ragged trying to keep up. For a friendship to flow, keeping the volley is key. Good volleys build trust and ALL positive friendships need trust to flourish.
The longer you practise together, the better you understand each other's strengths and weaknesses. You start to predict what shots respond well and you can change your game play to get the most enjoyment out of the match. For example, I have a friend I run with because we both motivate each other to move and appreciate the benefits on our mental health. I have a friend or two that I have lunch with every few months because that’s all we need to keep up-to-date with each other's lives. I have friends we meet up with in the bush because we both agree that our kids are more easily managed in the wilderness. I have a friend that just rings me out of the blue when she misses me because she loves to talk on the phone.
All of my friendships are different in that regard. There certainly isn't a single game plan that works for everyone. Living in another country from all of my childhood friends taught me early on that you have to be able to maintain friendships even when you might not see each other for years. Being able to hold friendships lighty and not be concerned when there are big gaps is important. Being adaptable to changes on both sides of the net is critical.
The best way to manage change is to trust each other. Building trust is the whole point of playing the game in the first place, otherwise, why bother? In this weeks ‘video of the week’, Simon Sinek said that “we don’t build trust by offering help, we build trust by asking for it.”
One of my best friends ever, lets call her Sarah, fast tracked our friendship big time when she offered me a lifeline at the very beginning of our friendship.
It was back in Covid times and Matt and I were really struggling to work and look after the kids. I’d gone back to NZ in March 2020 and had to isolate for 6 weeks (daycares rules, not mine - crazy now when you think I’d come from NZ - still months off their first case) which meant there were no breaks and no respite. Frank had just started kinda and we arranged a bush hangout with a few of the cool new families we’d met. As we wandered through the bush with the kids running wild I confessed that I was struggling. Working from home with a 2 and 4 year old was grinding me down. At the end of the walk, Sarah mentioned that she had pretty much lost her job and was now full time parenting if we ever wanted to drop the kids off for a few hours.
This was the first time I’d really meet Sarah outside of Kinda rop off. Her generous offer blew me away and within a few weeks she had our kids for two days a week so Matt and I could work. This overwhelming gesture of kindness for a near stranger quite literally saved me! It also fast tracked our friendship like nothing I’ve ever seen before!
It doesn’t have to be grand gestures like Sarah’s to spark friendships. Simple things like taking the time to read a book that someone recommends or even just making the effort to remember someone's name and go out of your way to say hi the next time you see them is powerful. I do lots of networking and if someone remembers something simple about me from our previous encounter I’m always impressed and almost immediately like them more! It’s the start of a good volley.
Starting friendships can happen in all sorts of weird and wonderful ways. One of my favourite stories is my friend Sue who I met on the train one day. I was travelling to Melbourne and this rather brightly dressed woman sat next to me on the train. After a few pleasant hellos our conversation began to meander and before I knew it we’d arrived in Melbourne an hour and 20 minutes later having talked the whole way. She’s suggested I come check out the Ballarat Film Society, which I did (returning the ball… starting the volley), and our friendship started to blossom with us now catching up every couple of months. I value her friendship and wisdom a great deal and we’re due for another catch up again soon Sue!
One of the most interesting and important things about ALL friendships is that they all started with that split second of saying ‘hi’. That momentary flash when you acknowledge another person. It can be so brief, so fleeting but carry so much potential. All you have to do is be open to it happening. Of course there are going to be failures. When I first moved to Melbourne and was working in a sandwich bar in the bottom of Melbourne Central train station, I was desperate to make new friends so when one of my colleagues asked if I wanted to meet her for a drink, I jumped at the opportunity.
It turns out that she was quite a wild, drug fueled stripper when she wasn’t making parma subs which I wasn’t really prepared for as a fresh 22 year old from New Zealand. Needless to say, I jumped right in the deep end of Melbourne's underbelly which was probably good to get out of the way early on. As an adult, I’ve had to step back from an unhealthy friendship or two, which was incredibly hard but necessary for my own wellbeing.
One of the things that we often take for granted about friendships is how important they are to our romantic relationships. Being able to complain about our significant others to an objective bystander will often ease tension at home and perhaps give a (much needed) different perspective. It's unfair to think that one person (our partners) can be everything to us all the time and the most successful and long lasting relationships I know of are often surrounded by a strong network of friends. My mother-in-law comes to mind with her core group of friends that have probably shared hundreds of meals celebrating and commiserating life events over the years.
Good and meaningful friendships require practice. Set and forget doesn’t last long unless your friendship is to remain in a time loop. I see this more often with my male friends who revert back to being 25 year olds when they hang out - even if every other part of their life has changed, there is an overwhelming pull to connect like they used to.
I was reflecting on this with a friend the other day after I realised that there are stacks of people (pretty much anyone pre thirty years old Jess) who would know me as a heavy drinking, heavy smoking, party animal with not much respect for authority or my own wellbeing for that matter. If you’ve met in the last few years you’d know me as a non drinking, non smoking overachiever who’s energy and zest for life is infectious! Quite a different person but still with the same core value of treating people the same way as I want to be treated.
As my self worth has grown so has the depth of my friendships. This was evident when I was in New Zealand last and managed to catch up with a high school friend who I hadn’t seen for years. We reconnected walking the streets of Dunedin in our early 40’s, some 20 plus years after the fact and found ourselves passing the front door of my sister's house (where I was staying) over and over again, not wanting the conversation to end. Our one hour catch up turned into three as we exercised our legs and our souls. We loved every minute of it.
I now tell my friends I love them.
I wrote about this a few years ago when a switch flicked in me and I realised that I really do love my friends. I wasn't embarrassed about saying it, I was proud. The more you say it, the more it is said to you, which is a fact. The more vulnerable and open you can be with trusted friends the more vulnerable and open they will be with you and in turn, you enrich each other's lives. Maybe that’s why any good game of tennis begins at ‘love’ all.
