I’ve felt weird during these school holidays. I hadn’t quite been able to put my finger on it, perhaps hoping that it was a residual effect from being sick but I do feel rather out of sorts. It's not necessarily a ‘bad’ feeling, just one of mild uncertainty. It's annoying more than anything but I dedicated my morning run to figuring out what was going on.
I love a venn diagram so thought I’d start with that. Firstly I have to blame pre-period hormones which are responsible for a very distinct three day melancholy that is often only diagnosed on reflection. There is nothing to be done about this other than being kinder to myself and those closest to me. Strangely I also feel stronger physically during this time. I ran 6km this morning for the first time in yonks. I’m not breaking any land speed records but I felt steady and capable.
Secondly, it’s the school holidays. Sharing our school holiday coping strategies has been a regular topic over the last 6 years of writing this blog. We’ve had a factory crèche set up where we basically just gave the kids an empty office and left them alone to juggling half day am/pm shifts with Matt and I paper/scissor/rocking to decide whose work needed to be prioritised.
Luckily these school holidays, I’ve been able to take two weeks of annual leave from the Tech School. This is still such a novelty for a family that has been self employed for 13 years. Being paid while not being at work - amazing!! I’ve still got two design clients that I’m working with so there is stacks of work being done but I get to have one job and not two for a few weeks which should be nice…
Strangely this lighter work load could be one of the most surprising catalysts for my discomfort over the last week. I suspect that I’ve become so accustomed to being challenged and taking on ridiculous tasks that when things are going smoothly, I start to feel uncomfortable. I’m like an adrenaline junkie for new and exciting experiences that push me out of my comfort zone - so when they’re not happening, I feel kind of shitty.
This is a surprising observation about myself that has taken a minute to digest. Shouldn’t I want calm, smooth sailing? I fear that our family has spent so much of the last decade struggling for survival and having to push ourselves beyond our limits that it has become part of who we are. After spending these last few months with back to back awesome events, especially ones where I had to step out of my comfort zone and MC an event or interview an Astronaut in front of 150 people - Not doing these types of things feels lame. It’s like a come down.
Understanding this about myself is quite a revelation. I’m sure there are some of you reading this who will be shaking their heads saying I could’ve told you this years ago Jess. Matt and I always have something on the go. This year for me it’s becoming a professional speaker. For Matt it's about getting his software out into the world. We both believe that living an interesting life is one of the most important gifts we can give the kids and each other.
Like all things though it comes at a cost. The price can be both physical or emotional. Understanding that I should recover and regroup in this down time instead of pining for the next hit is a great lesson. It changes my mindset from frantic to calm. I’m appreciative of this time I get to spend with the kids over the holidays and should just enjoy it while I can.
This leads me to the third part of my Venn diagram which is accidentally watching 9 News (commercial, free to air TV). What a downer. I’m all for staying up to date with the news but I chose to do this by reading the headlines on my phone when I have the time and headspace to do so. After only 2 minutes of 9 News I felt like we were all completely fucked.
It was one story after the next about the skyrocketing cost of fuel, food prices going up by 20%, Trump being a complete fucken moron and holding the world at ransom. If this was all you heard about the world, I would never get out of bed. Why bother? Being able to stay motivated in these trying times where everything is going up is already a massive challenge - I’ve got emails from almost everything we pay for in the last month with price increases including but not limited to health insurance, after school care, website hosting, power, gas… It's super disheartening.
Perhaps I’m in denial about the state of the world but the reality is that I have no control over ANY of this stuff. I only get to control my own actions in the situation in front of me right now. Yes I have been in a rut for the last few days but being able to think about why and write about it, is the medicine. I learn’t long ago that drawing my self worth from an inter source rather than external was the only way to be truly content. Weeks like this are needed to help recalibrate what’s important.
