I have a theory that swearing is the new smoking, in that it's the casual, health conscious, way to break the ice with someone you have just met.

When I got my first job at Oxford University Press, some 15 years ago now I was a smoker. While it was generally frowned upon by most there was still a large group of us who would take our morning and afternoon breaks together so we could catch up. The smokers in the company were the cool kids. The people with all the inside knowledge on office politics and always the last to leave the office Christmas party!

The smokers always seemed to be having more fun than everyone else. In between Oxford and another publishing job, I did a four month stint in advertising. The studio I worked at was in St Kilda and by that stage I’d actually given up smoking. My favourite Aunty Barb had told me to smoke my heart out until I was 25 but then I had to stop. So I must’ve been 25. This studio was manic! Everyone was so stressed and focused on the work all the time that it was really hard to meet anyone properly. I felt like a temp even though I was on the permanent payroll.

On about day four one of the other designers asked if I smoked and I said no but said I’d come outside anyway. Finally I got to meet the cool kids! Within about 3 days I had the full run down on office politics and finally understood that all this chaos is what advertising is always like, I only lasted another month before looking for more work.

My next role was in publishing and this time I didn’t waste a second in getting into the smoking click, except this time I was in and out of being an actual smoker again which sucked. It was kind of worth it for a while though because being a smoker transcends the hierarchical office politics, especially if you always had a lighter on you.

Another thing that smokers got which non smokers didn’t get was a break. I remember my Mum, who was a nurse, saying that she used to get pissed at all of the smoking nurses (not only because they should’ve known better) but because they got an extra 2 x 15 minutes breaks when Mum didn’t. Even when I eventually gave up smoking again, it was hard to justify going to stand outside and do nothing for 15 minutes without a cigarette in my hand.

I haven’t worked in an office for nearly ten years now so my smoko theory hasn’t been tested for nearly a decade. I also haven't smoked in that long and smoking is no longer considered cool - thank goodness. I have spent the last couple of years meeting lots of new people. Having kids means you're straight in the deep end of introductions with mothers groups, daycare catch ups, kinda parties and THEN school starts and so does all the drop off and pick ups.

Considering Matt and I both work alone I have fully embraced these impromptu social encounters and have made sure that I say hi to everyone because sometimes they might be the first person that I’ve spoken to or will speak that isn’t Matt, Frank or Alice for that day. It works nicely with my core values of curiosity, usefulness and abundance to at least try and have a conversation with people I see on the reg.

Take Barry the crossing guard for example. He’s in his mid 70’s and every morning and afternoon he rocks up with his high vis and lollipop sign, rain or shine, to stop the traffic and make sure the students and parents can cross safely. Everyday I ask how he is and every day he says “Can’t complain, I’ve got half a bed and three meals a day” then cracks some joke about his wife saying he takes more like ¾ of the bed and he chuckles to himself. Delightful!

I obviously struck gold with Barry but it can be more difficult to bridge those gaps with people closer to your own age, like the rest of the parents doing their pickups and drop offs. My foolproof smoko system is no longer appropriate and totally irrelevant given the nature of the situation so I’ve had to improvise slightly. My new ice breaker into the cool group is swearing.

Dropping a casual ‘fuck’ or ‘shit’ into the conversation is an earlier indicator of a potential positive match up and a long lasting friendship. I’m not saying that everyone I hang out with swears - well actually, they do. All of them really. Not in anger but as a way to express a particular emotion in a story they’re retelling. Or as a tool to really capture their surprise reaction to a situation.

I personally think that swearing has been given a bad wrap by people who use it aggressively. Those people and their horrific use of swears are why we don’t swear in front of grandma. It’s obviously a generational and respectful thing to do, not swear in front of older people, especially if you’re a kid. But the flip side of that is that wonderful moment when you catch someone who always tells you off for swearing dropping an ‘F’ bomb.

I remember like it was yesterday, I was about 11 and my dad's mum, Nana Kelly was staying. Nana always used to give mum a hard time and this particular day I found Mum, enclosed inside the pantry, head in her hand just say “fuck, fuck, fuck”. I obviously took that as a green light to start actively swearing at home, I probably should’ve been more empathic and given Mum a hug instead of fist pumping the air! Sorry Mum!

I don’t think you should swear in front of kids if you can help it, however if you're like us then chances are you would’ve sworn in front of your children a thousand times. Our kids know all the swears (apart from the ‘C’ word - that’s unforgivable in front of anyone) but they also know that they are swear words and are not to be said in front of adults (especially grandma). Whenever a swear word in a song comes on the radio, which is every song if you listen to triple J, the kids love to tell me.

Mum! Mum! A swear in the song! A swear in the song!

I tell them to shut their ears which is obviously a joke and they get a laugh out of it. Letting the kids listen to music with swearing has led to some pretty interesting conversations about why people swear. We pretty much settled on the fact that sometimes swearing is just the best way to express yourself, and because songs are really emotional, sometimes it's ok to swear in them. If the kids write songs so they can openly swear, then I’d support them.

Given the amount of swearing the kids have been privy too there has probably only been 2-3 instances of the kids swearing and to be honest their delivery was perfect! The first time was actually Alice who would’ve been three at the time. She was struggling to get her gum boot on while sitting in her car seat, after struggling for a while she threw the boot on the ground and said ‘fucken boots’ - I had to bite my lip so as not to laugh - ten out of ten for delivery!

Swearing isn’t for everyone and I can totally respect that. There is of course a time and place. It’s absolutely a cultural thing as well - Kiwis and Aussies swear like the Scottish but the Americans for example are extremely mild mannered. Or at least they were in my experience. I swore once with a group of New Yorkers when I was there and never did it again given everyone’s reaction! I would also never swear in Japan again either.

A well placed ‘fuck’ in a story can really add to the success of the narrative. Letting others know that you are comfortable with swearing in casual conversation often opens up a more honest and personal dialogue. It’s my new smoko metre, and so far it has been super successful in fast tracking friendships. Thank fuck.