As the end of the school holidays are fast approaching the kids' fighting has intensified dramatically. They have had enough of each other, we have had enough of them and they have had enough of us. Alice is triggered by very little, for example, if she thinks that Frank has gotten 1 extra rice bubble in his bowl than she has, she’ll start complaining about it.

Through a clenched jaw, I try to explain that the bowls are even and no one is missing out but trying to convince a hangry 4 year old this, first thing in the morning can be an incredibly  frustrating task. I normally end up adding a teaspoon more rice bubbles to her bowl just to get her to stop whining and eat! 

The fighting that happens between the kids almost alway stems from a perceived idea that the other kid is getting something they are not. Frank and Alice are only 16 months apart so we have always treated them the same pretty much (for better or worse) and having grown up with siblings ourselves we are conscious of making sure we both kids get the same amount… That could be food, new shoes or hugs. However, it does matter how diplomatic we are, there is alway the fear of missing out.

This idea of the ‘grass being greener’ is something that most people experience from time to time. At its mildest form it could be the twang of jealousy you feel before congratulating your friend on buying their new house, or at the far end of the scale it can stop you from forming friendships with people because you resent them for their (perceived) success and lifestyle.

The philosopher Alfred Adler believed that all of our problems in life boil down to our interpersonal relationships and there are two different types of relationships we can have with others. The first and most common are ‘vertical relationships’, these are based on hierarchy. A manager is above an employee. A mother is above a child. A rubbish collector is below a lawyer. These relationships grow from an inferior and superior ideal that we are better or worse than other people. Unfortunately this is the most common type of relationship because it's constantly encouraged and enforced through social media, the workplace and even within our homes with our families. Interesting Alder notes that even when telling someone they did a good or a bad job we are subconsciously taking a superior position, assuming that we know the value of what good or bad is.

The second type of relationship is the ‘horizontal’ relationship. As the name suggests this puts everyone on the same level. The bosses, the bums, the babes and the babies. We are all people going about our own lives, with our own problems and therefore are all equal. While this idea might be harder to digest, Alder argues that until we release ourselves from competition and comparison (caused in vertical relationships) we can never truly be content. Treating everyone as your equal is the only way to clearly see who we are and what we are able to contribute to the world. Instead of judging whether people and their actions are good or bad you simply thank your equal and be grateful for their contribution, regardless.

A key factor of horizontal relationships is the ‘separation of tasks’. This means that we don’t worry about what other people are doing. Much like the idea that you can’t change other peoples reactions, you can only control your own, the separation of tasks basically means that you don’t intrude on other people's tasks. 

“In general, all interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on others peoples tasks, or having one’s own tasks intruded on.”

Alderian psychology, which is often referred to as the ‘psychology of courage’ centres around that idea that people are at their most content and fulfilled when they are part of a community that they can contribute to and are fully accepted by. This community can be found in the workplace, the home, the sports field, the pub, basically anywhere where you feel that your presence is contributing to the greater good of the group.

In order to get to this ‘community’ feeling’ three things need to happen. ‘Self acceptance’, ‘confidence in others’ and ‘contributions to others’.

Self acceptance, not self affirmation. This is about accepting your “innocent’ self - your self just as you are, your self when no one is looking, when you're not worried about impressing others.

Confidence in others not about trusting others which is conditional but about unconditionally believing in others. This is only possible if all of your relationships are equal and therefore are horizontal - sorry, it turns out you can’t have both (vertical and horizontal). Having confidence in everyone around you means you're surrounded by comrades and not enemies. 

Contributions to others is when you selflessly give to others. Not for reward or praise but because you are part of something bigger than yourself. This comes full circle and feeds back into self acceptance and the loop continues.

Alderian psychology believes that all we need is courage. The courage to choose our lives and lifestyles for ourselves. Our histories and past should not determine our future. 

“It’s not what we are born with, but what use one makes of the equipment.”

The Courage to be Disliked is a book by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. It almost totally did my head in but it was written as a conversation (and at times argument) between a curious student and a masterful philosopher which helped greatly in my understanding. I was challenged by this book but ultimately have come out better off on the other side. My main takeaway is to treat others as equals. Everyone. Equally.