My earliest (and fondest) memory of alcohol is of my Grandad’s home brew. I helped clean out the old bottles so they could be used for the next batch. I vividly remember Grandad giving me an egg cup sized beer when I was probably still at primary school as a reward for helping him out. I can't recall if I liked it or not but Grandad would always say that his home brew was ‘good for you’ and would ‘put hairs on your chest’. I just remember the warm sensation of making him proud and sharing that special moment together.
As a teenager my interest in alcohol started to increase. I can’t remember the first time I actually got ‘drunk’ but I do remember this phase of me and my girlfriends drinking all sorts of terrible concoctions that we managed to siphon from our parents' liquor cabinets. We were still too young to be drinking socially but needed to know what it was like for ourselves.
Like any experimentation there were ‘accidents’. One night my mum was on night shift at the hospital and Dad was away. Me and two girlfriends were tasked with babysitting my younger brother and sister. God knows what we drank but I remember thinking I’d totally covered our tracks when mum came home to me washing my bed sheets (after my friend had been sick everywhere). I had an elaborate story about how we were changing my room around and wanted to use a different sheet and duvet set so just thought I’d wash the old one. At this stage I don’t think I’d ever done a load of washing before, so it was odd I was doing one at 11pm!
Mum sore right through our story and instead of being furious, it opened up some healthy dialogue between us about alcohol. I was starting to go to parties that had booze at them and we had an agreement that if my parents brought me some beers for the party, I was to drink that and nothing else. Having that transparency and trust around alcohol meant that my house became the ‘safehouse’. Mum always knew where we were and friends who had to hide their drinking at home were safe to do it under our roof.
Alcohol from this point became a very normalised part in my life. I have always enjoyed drinking and have been lucky enough to always be drinking from a happy and safe space (both mentally and physically). During my last year of high school I became so good at drinking that my identity and alcohol started to become infused.
I hung out with a great group of friends and every weekend we’d drink slabs of beers. We had so many drinking games that we’d be up all night throwing dice, shuffling cards, smashing beer bongs and doing half yards. I really loved it. We all did. We also didn’t see anything wrong with it. Everyone we knew was doing that same thing. It was almost a right of passage to drink yourself senseless every weekend. It was like a badge of honour and kids who didn’t get wrecked every weekend were considered straight edge and boring.
When I finished high school my leavers jersey had “alcoholic” on the back (god I cringe at that now) but it was so much a part of my identity that I wanted to celebrate it! On the last day of school I had to wear masking tape over the word because the school didn’t want other kids seeing it. The night before, at the leaving assembly, I’d been given an empty envelope instead of my leaving certificate as it was well known to teachers that there was a champagne breakfast on the last day of school for leaving students. They’d withheld my certificate so I would come to school sober on the last day.
At the time I was like “fuck em” it was just the “man” bringing me down. On reflection I probably should’ve considered the school's actions as a warning. Alcohol was really starting to affect what people thought of me. What surprises me the most about this moment is that no one told me to stop. No one. This isn’t a criticism of anyone or anything but is perhaps more of an observation about how ingrained alcohol is in New Zealand (and Australian) culture.
My 20’s is basically when I went pro. University is a time when even people who don’t consider themselves ‘big drinkers’, do their biggest drinking! Everywhere you went you took a six pack. I drank my beer in pints and even got a discount because I was a student. Moving to Melbourne was switching up a level because there were literally hundreds of new bars that needed to be visited, a gig (or two) I wanted to catch every weekend and my first ever full time wage!
All the planets had aligned and there was nothing stopping me! Apart from turning 30. When I turned thirty something switched in my body and I started to get hangovers. It is not like I didn’t get hangovers before but these ones started to mess with me. By this stage I was living with Matt. We knew that we needed to calm down a bit if we wanted to have a family and take our professional careers a bit more seriously. I made the switch to light beers which was one of the smartest things I’ve ever done.
There was one night when I was out with a colleague and forgot about my light beer rule and drank far too much wine. The night itself was fine, it darkened towards the end in my memory of it but I recall the cab home so it couldn't have been that bad. The next day I had to catch the train into town for work. I was in such a rush to get out the door that I didn’t even notice my hangover until I sat on the train. Then it hit me.
I find it hard to describe but it felt like a dementor from Harry Potter had sat next to me. My chest filled with a cement balloon and every time I breathed in it was getting bigger and heavier. I felt like I was being crushed and I didn’t know what to do. There were two boys sitting opposite me who were talking about some computer game. All I could do was force myself to listen to them until I started to feel the weight in my subside. This was my first ever panic attack. It scared me.
From that point on, if I had a big night the next morning I would get that same overwhelming and paralyzing wave of dread wash over me. Light beers were my only option. While this was happening Matt and I started working for ourselves and money became so tight that drinking was only reserved for very special occasions. When I was pregnant with Frank it was the first time I’d ever done a long stint without drinking since I was 15.
It made me realise a few things. That I didn’t have to drink to have a good time and secondly, this body I have is growing a baby and I need to be way more respectful and kind to it. I think any parent would agree that as soon as you have kids there is no more ‘drinking like you used too’, even if you wanted to. There is no time to be hungover and for the first few years there is barely any time to even get drunk in the first place!
I’ve always considered my relationship with alcohol to be a healthy one. I’ve never drunk because I’m trying to escape myself or my situation. I've always been lucky enough to be surrounded by friends and family when I am drinking and booze has played at least some role in every single relationship that I value. Turning a working relationship into friendship by asking someone out for a drink. The dutch courage required to introduce yourself to someone new or to tell someone you love them out loud.
The decision to not drink for a year had not come lightly. I genuinely feel like I’m breaking up with someone. There is a sense of loss. Over the last few years Matt and I haven't really drunk much at all. We don’t have booze in the house (because we’d drink it) and our budget is so tight that a nice bottle of red means no takeaways on friday night so we just haven’t prioritised it. Removing it entirely is something different. It's more of a mindset adjustment.
This year is going to be massive for Matt and myself. TinyOffice is finally starting to take off and this week we started looking for our first hire. The Design Dept is about to niche down and professional I’ve put my hand up for a larger role in AGDA. Oh, and we are building our first house, Franks in Grade 1 and Alice is about to start Kinda! If I'm to make the most out of this year and not let it become too overwhelming I need to approach it like a professional athlete. I need clarity, to sleep well and to look after my body and mind. Removing booze makes all of these things seem more achievable.
This is very much a personal journey, so personal in fact that I wasn’t going to share it here but talking to my friends and family, I’m not alone. Lots of people don’t drink, lots of people want to drink less and some are completely comfortable with their consumption rates. Drinking is so much a part of my identity that, much like a break up, there are a lot of ‘firsts’. First Christmas without alcohol. First party, first opening, first client meeting. Not drinking certainly doesn’t change how or who I want to hang out with and there’s never been a better time to go booze free with companies like Heaps Normal and Banks Botanical (two of my favourite booze free alternatives right) becoming more popular.
I thought I’d finish with a rhyme me and my buddies used to sing to each other when ‘cheersing’ our drinks at high school! It feels appropriate here!
Here’s to you.
Here’s to me.
Best of friends we shall be.
If we tend to disagree,
well fuck you and here’s to me.
Cheers.x
