“Setting boundaries within our personal and professional life is the single biggest thing we can do to achieve a more balanced, fulfilling and meaningful time on this big blue ball.” - I’m quoting myself here which may be slightly arrogant however the statement above needs to be repeated and actioned at every possible moment throughout one’s day.
According to ‘Set Boundaries, Find Peace - a guide to reclaiming yourself’ by Nedra Glover Tawwab boundaries are an indication of how we expect others to show up for us and how we show up for others.
Boundaries are a safeguard to overextending yourself.
Boundaries are a self-care practice.
Boundaries define roles in relationships.
Boundaries communicate acceptable and unacceptable behaviours in relationships.
Boundaries are parameters for knowing what to expect in relationships.
Boundaries are how we communicate our needs to others.
Boundaries create healthy relationships.
Boundaries make us feel safe.
Not setting boundaries can lead to burn out, being taken advantage of and worst of all, resentment.
There are three types of boundaries.
Porous boundaries are weak, poorly communicated boundaries that are unintentionally harmful. Think people pleasing, over sharing, the inability to say ‘no’, and one I often wrestle with, dependency on feedback from others. Porous boundaries are when you say ‘yes’ to Sunday lunch knowing that you have a massive weekend already and in doing so you’ll put yourself for the rest of the week.
Rigid boundaries are the hard ‘No’s’ that might feel good at the time but ultimately come from fear of vulnerability or a history of being taken advantage of. This includes setting really strict rules and having high expectations of others. As parents, I’m mindful of the boundaries we set for our kids and have to be careful they are not rigid boundaries - especially when it comes to behaviour. It’s easy to set a rule that’s only purpose is to not embarrass you.
“Healthy boundaries are when your past doesn’t show up in your present interactions. They require an awareness of your emotional, mental and physical capacities, combined with clear communication.”
Healthy boundaries are the good ones. The ones that uphold your values and empower you when enacting them. It’s an apologetic ‘no’ to Sunday lunch in the already massive weekend.
A few months ago I went to a first birthday party. The party was from 2 to 4pm because there is only a small window in which a 12 month old is party fit. At bang on 4pm some friends of ours got packed up and ready to leave. The party itself was still going strong and I asked if they had something else on this afternoon to cause this abrupt departure. To my surprise the answer was ‘no’, there was just a bit of washing that needed to be folded and they just wanted to relax a bit before the start of the new week.
We left the party just after 6pm which meant that we didn’t have dinner till 7 and the kids were so jacked up on party food that no one laid still till at least 9pm. This put us on the back foot for the week ahead. This feels like a rather trivial example but at the same time, if you multiply ‘being the last to leave the party’ by every event we go to there are literally hours and hours of extra time spent out.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I don’t enjoy partying and perhaps this coincides with being booze free but you don’t need to be the last to leave to have a good time. In fact I would go as far to say there is power in owning that time while you're there and once your clock strikes whatever hour you told yourself to leave, you just do it. Don’t apologise. Don’t make up some excuse that you have a busy day tomorrow so have to go home early. You can simply thank the host for a wonderful time and leave. It really is that simple.
There are many reasons we aren’t comfortable setting boundaries.
Fear of being rude.
Fear of being mean.
Being a people pleaser.
Being anxious about future interactions after the boundary has been set.
Feeling powerless (and not sure setting boundaries will help.)
Getting value from helping others.
Projecting your feelings about being told no onto others.
Having no clue where to start.
Believing you can’t have boundaries in certain types of relationships.
When we set boundaries with the people in our life we are asking for respect. We are asking for them to listen, to really hear us and change their behaviour accordingly. When we set boundaries with people and they get upset or angry it is quite often a sign of bigger cracks that exist in the relationship. Healthy relationships have boundaries and you should never let someone’s future reaction stop you from setting them. It may cause some discomfort at first but remember they are intended to build stronger and more resilient relationships.
In ‘Power’ by Kemi Nekvapil, there are three parts to setting a good boundary.
Clarify - What is important to you? What do you need to protect? What boundaries do you need to set?
Communicate - Who needs to know about this boundary? You must be clear, straightforward and precise. You don’t need an excuse. Excusing yourself can over complicate and dilute the message.
Commit - You have to uphold your boundaries. If there is resistance you’ll have to restate and enforce your boundaries.
It’s healthy for you to have boundaries. Some boundaries will be harder to set than others but starting with the easy stuff like “not being the last to leave the party” is a great way to introduce beneficial boundaries into your life. Whenever we say ‘yes’ to something we inadvertently say ‘no’ to something else. This is ‘opportunity cost’.
Without boundaries our time is spent by others. We owe it to ourselves to be generous with the unapologetic ‘no’. Setting boundaries is how we take responsibility and ownership of what is rightfully ours. We are the custodians of our time here on earth.
