I thought I knew what I was going to write about today until I sat down to write it and there was nothing there. Some weeks I feel overwhelmed with ideas and thoughts that I’d love to share and other weeks I feel blank. So empty of creative thought that it's like I’ve never had an idea before. This morning feels a little like that.
It's a strange time of transformation in our lives right now and I feel confused by it. Not confused in that I don’t understand what's going on but more in the sense that I don’t know how to best think or feel about it. For the last 7 years at least it’s felt like everything has been an uphill battle. Raising babies, starting multiple businesses and the whole pandemic thing has left me feeling like I have to be constantly fighting for it. Constantly moving forward. Constantly doing something because there is always so much that needs to be done.
We’ve worked so hard on all areas of our life that when you start to get some traction and what you’ve been working towards finally starts to appear it can be… underwhelming. What you thought would be a moment of celebration and rejoicing is just another step along life’s path. I know this, I know that the journey far outweighs the destination but it still surprises me when moments that illustrate this phenomenon occur.
Take this morning for example. I woke before my alarm to a cold and dark Ballarat morning. It’s amazing how your bed manages to be its most comfortable, warm and cosy at the exact moment you need to leave it. I use the band-aid approach and quickly jump out of bed, get my running gear on and get outside before I have time to wake up properly and decide not to do it.
When I run, I think. I try not to, but to be honest sometimes it's the only time I have all day to arrange my thoughts. This morning's agenda focused on self-doubt. You see once every six weeks I suffer a wave of self-doubt. It might not be every six weeks exactly but it is regular enough for me to expect it and appreciate that it will pass.
One of the first symptoms to present itself is job hunting. All of a sudden the job ads on LinkedIn start to look attractive and I find myself diving deeper into job descriptions instead of just letting them scroll by in my feed. I know that I will never apply for any of these full time jobs, even if they sound like the most amazing opportunity ever. I tend to just fantasise about working regular hours, having a consistent income but most of all about leaving the job behind at the end of each day.
This year I have invested a lot of time and money into personal development. I was hoping in doing so I would have more clarity and purpose in what I’m doing. That I would be able to reduce my regular waves of self-doubt as I focused on what I am good at and what work I really want to be doing. However the further down the path I get the more confused I become.
As I’m running I start to think about what I’m doing with my life. I know I’m a graphic designer but what does that even mean? Do I want to focus on branding projects - of which I’m currently putting together the largest proposal yet for a job that we'll probably get. Or do I want to focus on helping others with my layout skills? The work is less glamorous but I’m really freaking good at it. Then there is the prefab construction company that I own with Matt… What does my role in that look like? Arghhhhhh.
Just before I had a complete meltdown, mid run, I stopped thinking about everything. I focused on my breath and put my hand on my chest and said ‘thanks’ to my body. How unbelievably lucky am I that I am even able to move like this? I looked up and there was a break in the dark clouds that were rolling across the sky revealing a starry night behind. The whole goddamn universe was right there.
What the hell am I worried about? Worry is the most useless thing there is! It's not even an emotion! It's a chain of negative thoughts about bad things that may or may not ever happen! What a waste of time. I had this new surge of energy when I let the worry go and did an extra lap of the sports oval that I ran around making this morning a new personal best - I finally ran over 5km - it's only taken 2.5 years of running.
When I got home I excitedly told Matt and Alice that I’d run further than I’ve ever run before. After the emotional, mind fuck morning I’d had it was even more meaningful - it was like I had triumphed over some great personal struggle. Matt, who was typing on his laptop, looked up and said, that's good babe and kept typing - I’d obviously got him in the middle of something so his reaction was rather underwhelming. Alice on the other hand said she was going to give me two big containers of peanut butter ice cream - which was her 5 year old way of saying she was proud of me - because I love peanut butter ice cream.
Self-doubt is something that everyone I know suffers from - at least every woman I know! It doesn’t matter how accomplished you become in your chosen field, whether that be your profession, making music or art or being a parent there will always be moments of self doubt. As much as I wish there wasn't, it's also a sign that you’re moving. If you never doubt your abilities then it's most likely that you are doing that same thing you have always done. Nothing amazing has ever come from being complacent.
I read a quote the other day that ‘doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will’ which is a powerful idea to remember whenever riding a wave of self-doubt. If you're doubting your abilities in any area of your life I hope it's because you're about to take on a new challenge. That you’ve seen an area in yourself that can be improved. Instead of self-doubt being a barrier it should be received as a notification that some change is about to occur. Whatever you do when self-doubt appears, DON’T let it stop you. Push through it. You never know what's on the other side.
