Last saturday night I went out to a gig for the first time in almost 12 months. I drove all the way from Ballarat to Melbourne (about 100km each way) just for the show, then drove home again. Knowing I had this stretch of driving in front of me I planned to listen to an audio book and stumbled across Calmfidence by Patricia Stark.
Patricia Stark is a public speaking and executive coach, media trainer and keynote speaker. She works with all sorts of people, helping to prepare them for all sorts of events. For example, CEOs giving company wide presentations, TV anchors that need to stop mumbling on air and celebrities who want to feel more confident doing media interviews. I recommend the audio book because her voice is soft and warm, making the whole drive a rather meditative experience.
Calmfidence is the idea that you can be both calm and confident at the same moment. Confidence by itself, is feeling or showing certainty about something. Confidence normally grows from experience. Take driving for example. When you first learn to drive there are dozens of things you need to be aware of. It can be overwhelming and takes a while to get the feel for it. Over time your confidence grows and eventually you just jump into the car and drive away without thinking about it.
What happens though when we try new things? Things we have never done before? When uncertainty is the only thing we are facing? This is when we need calmness. Remaining calm and being able to steady oneself as in the face of the unknown is at the core of calmfidence and it is the framework that Patricia uses to coach her clients. She has many stories about famous people, people who you’d think were overflowing with confidence but behind the scenes are battling with huge amounts of self doubt.
Driving into the city, alone, in the warm cab of the ute I was soaking up Patricia's soft and encouraging words like only a 39 year old woman on the way to a punk gig could. I was feeling a bit nervous as there were a few ‘firsts’ for me this evening. It was the first time I’d gone to a gig alone in about 15 years. I’d asked a couple of girlfriends if they wanted to come and we had a small crew there for awhile, but as life has it the yes’s became maybe’s and landed on no’s after a long week - I didn’t take it personally of course. Sometimes life gets in the way of living.
It was also the first time I’d gone to a gig and not had a beer. This was a pretty big deal for me. Not drinking is a strange shift in my life. The physical act of not drinking is easy, it's the reactions around it that I’ve found the most interesting. It's almost completely in my head. It reminds me of giving up smoking years ago. I’d be standing at the tram stop on my way to work, without a cigarette and I didn’t know what to do with my hands! I thought everyone was staring at me!
They weren’t. No one really cares what you're doing most of the time. Everyone is focusing on their own insecurities and self doubt to notice. This is the sentiment I took with me into the gig. I walked in, head held high, proud to be on my own. I got some water from the bar and found a spot right in front of the stage. My dear friend Lucy was on that stage, shaking her golden tambourine and playing the keys like a superstar! At that moment I knew I’d made the best choice by coming on this solo pilgrimage into the city!
Everyone has an inner critic but we also have an inner coach. The stories we tell ourselves become self fulfilling prophecies - if you think your going to fuck things up you probably will. On Saturday night I listened to the coach. The payoff of course was an awesome night. I met a handful of really lovely people and got to see some new and old friends rip it up on stage. Turns out that I’m not much for the mosh pit anymore but that's ok too.
Driving home I got another hour calmfidence. This time it was about being present in the moment. We can’t be confident if we’re thinking about yesterday, today and tomorrow all at once. Being present right here and right now is the only truly tangible thing we have. We, alone, decide what these moments mean to us.
Next week I’m hosting an AGDA event at the NGV as part of the Melbourne Design Week. This is the first time I’ve done anything like this. I’m pretty confident in a small group of people but I’ve never been on stage before, let alone MC'd an event infront of 60-100 of my pairs. I’m pretty nervous. I’m also pretty excited.
Patrica talks keeping your audience front and centre when public speaking. It’s not about you, it's about them. I’m nervous because I’m worried about mispronouncing ‘Wurundjeri’ or getting a speaker's name wrong. By repositioning the spotlight on the audience and the speakers, rather than myself, all of a sudden my nerves turn to purpose. I’ve got a job to do.
Stay tuned for next week's blog when I report back about the event, or better yet come along and see it unfold in real time!
