The words we use matter. The phrases we chose to bookend our ideas, thoughts and statements are directly linked to our perceived self worth and values. It's incredible and frightening how common minimising and diminishing language is used by women when they’re expressing themselves both professionally and personally.
I can immediately use myself as an example with the annoying habit I have of apologising. I’m always saying sorry - ‘sorry can you please pass me that’ ‘sorry, can I borrow you for 5 minutes’ ‘sorry, would you like something else’. If someone absent mindedly walks into me in the supermarket I will 100% say sorry first - even when it’s not my fault!
The ‘sorrys’ are a part of the bigger narrative - the story of women being ‘seen and not heard’ for the majority of modern human history and if you're a woman of colour this is an even bigger problem. You see, women are trained to ask for permission before speaking and to not express bold thoughts in case they're not well received. We’re taught to be ‘good girls’ as Kemi Nekvapil, the author of ‘Power’ puts it.
Kemi is an executive coach and points out the minimising language her clients use when they talk about themselves. Incredibly smart women are using words that make them sound unsure, uncertain and play down their expertise. The words we use matter.
The worst culprit of all is ‘I think’ - well of course you do, but many women use it as a way of introducing their ideas or feedback even though they 100% know exactly what they’re talking about. ‘I think it's the blue one’ verse ‘it’s the blue one. Unless you are actually thinking on the spot - don’t use ‘I think’. Don’t use ‘just’ either.
Kami suggested some alternatives to ‘I think’ such as
My thoughts are…
I know…
I believe…
My opinion is…
Does that make sense? This is another common phrase that undermines the speaker. Ending a story with ‘does that make sense?’ suggests that you’re unsure. That perhaps you managed to confuse the listener somehow, that it was your fault! Of course it makes sense! You make sense!
Below is a great example of how our word choice changes how we are perceived. This is from @danidonovan ‘Email like a Boss’. It illustrates perfectly how the words we use matter.
Here is a real life example of holding my worth with words this week. I’m normally so quick to please and to get a yes but this time I slowed things right down and used my words with intent. This is regarding a website design referral I received.
My email to ‘Jane’
Hello Jane, pleasure to meet you. I’ll have to thank John for introducing us!
How exciting, there is nothing quite like a shiny new website to reinvigorate things.
I’m keen to hear more about your project but in the interest of making sure we don’t waste one second of each other's precious time here are a few things I can mention before we even get started!
I use a platform called Webflow to design my websites
I use this platform because it has the best user experience for me as a designer and more importantly, for you as the owner and 'regular updater of information’. An hour tutorial with supporting video (if required) is part of the website design package I offer.
My websites start at $5000
I don’t believe in templates. I believe in content lead design. We start with the content that you want on your website and we create a design that best supports, enhances and enriches what you have on offer.
If this all sounds very reasonable then please use the link below to book in a time that suits you to talk about your project in more detail.
Jane’s Response
Thanks for the quick and helpful response.
Key question: does Webflow allow for me to do ongoing minor upgrades? I sort of hate to start over completely, especially when the main reason for choosing my original set up through my domain provider (crazy domain) was so I could do some basic stuff.
I don’t conduct e-commerce or anything fancy on my site, and really just want to tart it up - so $5k seems a lot?
Or maybe my original website build for under $2k was just a great deal.
I also understand if this just sounds too small potatoes for you to be involved.
Your guidance is welcome.
My Response
Two really good questions. I completely understand you not wanting to undo all of the work you’ve already done.
I can assure you that Webflow is an extremely easy system to use from an editorial perspective. Here is a short video from Webflow briefly explaining how to use the editorial view (rather than the designer view, which is where I work my magic). You may find this helpful.
I design websites that accurately reflect the values of the person for which I’m designing. I’ve made some assumptions here, but you appear to be an extremely professional, dignified and well respected woman. The testimonials of your clients suggest that you provide an outstanding service and it's my job to design and build a website that captures and radiates that value.
If you’re still interested in having a chat please find a time that suits otherwise I wish you all the very best on your website revamp!
Jane’s Response
This is great to know, and I will definitely follow through at some point in the new financial year. However, for now, I think I will do some minor tweaks and sit tight until things are clearer come 1 July.
I really appreciate your quick responses and I particularly enjoyed the tone and honesty of your responses.
Boom! Who’d ever thought I’d be so excited not to get the job! What happened in this conversation was that I confidently stood my ground. I didn’t go into detail why my websites start at $5000, I just stated the facts and let them sit. I offered a little extra info about Webflow because not everyone knows what I’m talking about when I introduce it. The result is someone now respects what I do and will likely return when they’re ready. The words we use matter.
The two most powerful words we can use are “I am”. I am brave. I am strong. I am kind. Whatever we choose to add after these two little words empowers us the most. In James Clear’s book ‘Atomic Habits’ the first step in forming a habit is to change how you talk about it. ‘I am a runner’ is more motivating and powerful than ’I want to run’. The words we use matter.
The ability to say ‘No’, ‘not today thanks’, ‘I’d prefer if we didn’t’ is extremely powerful. Setting boundaries within our personal and professional life is the single biggest thing we can do to achieve a more balanced, fulfilling and meaningful time on this big blue ball. The words we use matter.
Every time we speak, write an email, comment on a post, use any words at all we are confirming the type of person we are. Each word is like a drop in a bucket that is you. When we use diminishing language we dilute ourselves. It all starts with awareness. Listen to yourself. Re-read email correspondence. Roleplay tough conversations. We are our biggest critic anyway so we might as well hone that voice and use it to say things better the next time. I need to stop apologising. I AM NOT SORRY and neither should you be.
